Let’s Talk About Sex

Sex is a very personal subject. Some people get uncomfortable at the mention or discussion of sexual acts. This is especially true of public spaces. The decision to write this post was an internal struggle. Two things pushed me to write this. First, I consider myself a sex positive person. Second, I would have liked a post like this two years when I was preparing for my service. I’ve seen a few threads on the topic on the Peace Corps subreddit, including one while I was writing this post. Most of the Google searches show results relating to sexual assault in Peace Corps.

Recently, I was reflecting on my service with another volunteer. The conversation shifted as we discussed some of the more challenging parts of service. It’s difficult to learn a new language and customs. But Peace Corps prepared us for that. Several PCV blogs chronicle the process of language learning and navigating new cultures. The other PCV and I agreed that one of the most difficult things about service in eSwatini is the lack of sex and intimacy.

Sex and intimacy happen in Peace Corps. Sex and intimacy happen in eSwatini. Things just may be a bit more rare. For me (and other PCVs here), there are a few different options. There’s the possibility of finding sex and intimacy by dating another PCV. There’s the possibility of finding sex and intimacy by dating someone local. There’s also the possibility of finding sex and intimacy by random sexual encounters with other PCVs and/or locals. Of course, there are advantages and disadvantages to each of these options.

Dating another PCV is great because you can commiserate with this person. Also, there are things that they will probably understand because they’re going through similar things. The not-so-great side about this relationship/situationship/arrangement is that the distance between you and your PCV bae may be long. You may not be able to see them as often, and in the times that you do see your PCV bae, there may be group gatherings. There’s also the fact that PCVs are a relatively small community. In eSwatini, there are about 80 of us. Sometimes when PCV relationships go awry, group dynamics shift and it’s not always pretty.

Dating a local can be great for several reasons. Many times, local bae is local meaning that you can see them more often. There are also the aspects of integration. Circumstances may dictate learning the language, culture, and customs at an accelerated rate. However, there is a personal teacher with a vested interest in your learning. On the flip side, there are challenges. Dating in eSwatini, especially in rural communities, looks different from the dating I’m used to. Casual dating isn’t really a thing. Dating is marriage-focused courtship.

While most people here take no interest in my love life, some Swazis, like my host mother, want me to date and find a wife here in eSwatini. Make wami (pronounced mah-gay wah-me), or my mother, says that I should stay here in southwest eSwatini, marry, build a home, and have many children (little Sibusisos, she calls them). Some Swazis don’t want me to date in the kingdom. A respected elder in my community cautioned, “Sibusiso, you can’t date any of the women here (in the community)”. When I asked if there was a reason, she stated that HIV and other STI rates were extremely high in our community. She also asked what I’d be doing with my girlfriend or wife when I left for America. She explained that I would ruin that wife or girlfriend if I didn’t take her with me. She further explained that such (in)actions would sour the relationship that our community/chiefdom has with Peace Corps. While I have taken the community elder’s advice about not dating in the local community, I have been on some individual dates with a few Swazis outside of my chiefdom. For reasons that I won’t get into here, things didn’t work out.

There are some PCVs who abstain during their service. Similar to folks stateside, PCVs abstain for religious, self development, or other personal reasons. There are also PCVs who choose to maintain long(er) distance relationships with significant others outside of eSwatini. Like various other relationship structures, some succeed while others fail. There is the very real stress that Peace Corps service places on a relationship, romantic or otherwise.

Earlier, I mentioned random sexual encounters. This happens from time to time among PCVs, and to a lesser extent with locals. Of course, there’s always masturbation. While every Peace Corps experience is different, I would recommend packing any toys and masturbatory aids that tickle your fancy. If you enjoy watching porn, I’d also recommend loading some of your favorite on your phone/computer/external hard drive/etc. Your future self will thank you.

My hope is that this post (and this blog, in general) serves to answer some of questions left unanswered (and often unasked) before I began service (for invitees, Peace Corps curious, and other interested parties). Of course, everyone’s experience varies and these are my musings from the kingdom of eSwatini.

Be kind to yourself.
Onward.